Lost finishes and I lose my will to write - 01/10/2006

I must confess to finding it hard to regain my mojo in writing this up. My lack of visitors and the couple of bad reviews has led to me really analysing myself and thinking that it's all a waste of time. We've been really busy at work, which of course is great but it's meant that time is limited in the evening to keep this updated. But I've felt a little low. I've tried not to show it to others and maybe it's compounded by my birthday but I know it's been there and I think it's contributed to my inactivity of writing. There are emails I need to write to people and I've neglected some of the few internet friends that I really have. Everyone needs some down time I guess and maybe it's good to go away and come back afresh.

Some new features have been made available at the company that hosts the site and maybe I'll try and look at them and get round to updating the look and feel of this site. I guess what I've always liked about it is the content and I want to keep that going. I think if one starts down the road of improving the site it could become all consuming and I'd let the content go. To be honest though this is one of the reasons why I don't date my posts. My thoughts are my thoughts and hence not governed by what I happen to think that one day. If I put them down on here then that is what I think on that particular topic and if that changes I'll change it on here. I think I'm going to change the home page as I think many don't seem to get the sarcasm and irony in the opening piece there or that I'm trying to take the piss out of myself. Maybe I'll just try to concoct a witty piece that sums up who I am, maybe a few pictures will help.

So why the writing lethargy? I don't think I'm a shallow person but if we go deep and personal I think I do crave either attention or the act of trying to get people to like me. I have thoughts and views which fill this site and maybe having them enjoyed by others make me feel that they and I have value. I think the lack of time, coupled with my lack of motivation led to the delays in getting these journals up and any other content. It's funny but if others are down then I consider it my duty to make them happy, tell them how good they are and show them a better way. To this end it probably looks like I'm always happy but the demons that can come and make me down are always locked away. I try not to show them when others are around but they are always there beneath the surface. Anyway on with the show, or lack of it.

It was another double bill of Contender on Monday night. It's amazing it's like they just want to get the show over and it's making it hard to care as much about the boxers involved. First up was Michael Stewart and Grady Brewer. I thought after Stewart's knocking out of Ebo he'd be a force to be reckoned with but he was totally useless with a low workrate. Grady was running rings round him and it seemed either Michael couldn't punch him or just didn't want to, either way he lost and was right to. Next up was Gary Balletto and Norberto Bravo. I've not been able to gauge a great deal about the boxers but Norberto has stood out as someone I like and I wanted him to go through, which he did. Gary was still looking for the big bombs and simply became burnt out why Bravo just carried on going. Onto the semi's now, which once again are in a double bill!

Another client meeting on Tuesday as part of this campaign that we are implementing for one of our major clients. It's good work that we have produced and I'm proud to be part of the company that is producing it. Raced home for Spag bol (other half from Sunday) and to watch the final parts of Lost.

Some bits were frustrating I confess but that is the nature of a cliffhanger, so one can hardly complain about being left dangling. It delivered a lot to think about I thought. Background on Desmond and how he thought he might have caused the plane to crash. The bits where the huge magnet kicked in and everything started slamming into the wall or being crushed were great and I felt an emotional twinge when the letter from Penny dropped out of Desmonds book. There were mild niggles about how Charlie one minute is trying to pull Eko from the flames yet the next minute couldn't care less about what might have happened in the hatch. The curiosity which leads him to get involved in these things suddenly vanished after there was this amazing sound and all he was concerned about was snuggling up next to the fire with Claire. Also a tad frustrating that we end the 2nd series almost where we did in the 1st with no further clues about the Others. But I mustn't grumble. It's good to have at least one 'event' tv programme and the subject matter of this is still entertaining for me.

Stayed late in the office on Wednesday to do a CD for my cousin who was heading off to Honduras the next day (the one I'd seen at the weekend). I've got a playlist on iTunes of great melancholy songs featuring stuff from Lost, Crash, Halo, The Last Samurai, Forrest Gump etc which I burned onto a disc. I then produced a CD insert for it. I couldn't find the template on word so had to create it in powerpoint and then cut it out to place in the front and the back. It had two images of me in my parachute gear and when eventually it was done (gone 1am) I drove it round and slipped it through the letterbox to greet her on the morning of her flight. Hope she likes them. They aren't miserable songs, just the kind you put on when you want to relax and let your mind wander.

Thurday was a busy one and there was a real problem with a part of this charity campaign we are working on. I managed to resolve it and it made me feel a lot more useful at work and that I'd done something productive. I had to keep several of the clients in the loop via email, which I did along with injecting some humour, and I felt I'd made a worthwhile contribution. A friend in the office got a new dress for a ball she was going to and she looked really good in it. It's a shame women don't have more formal functions more regularly because I don't think you can beat a woman turned out in a really nice long black dress. ASOT was good tonight and it helped get me through the previous week's journal entry, though I did feel it lacked any real spark of electricity, the journal entry that is.

Friday was even busier and more stressful with another problem arising that made the previous days problem seem like nothing. An external supplier who we had to use to supply an element of the campaign basically told us that he couldn't supply the item 4 days before it needed to be sent off. This piece, which was integral to the whole campaign, had been ordered with him 5 weeks ago yet this useless piece of shit, who'd let us down on other items effectively washed his hands of the problem. With little time available we got on the internet to find a replacement and managed to arrange delivery of a compromise. Again it was fun to be involved at the centre of it and know that we had kind of resolved the problem. It will also make me feel that I earnt our trip to Barcelona when it comes around. After a heavy week we broke for a KFC lunch, which needless to say I ate way too much of. The fact that I know I'm soon to start the fitness regime (didn't I say this before my birthday!!) means I seem to be eating even more unhealthy shit. Oh well, it's only weight and that can always be lost as I've proved before.

By Friday night I was looking forward to the chance to relax over the weekend. Stayed for a few hours in the office to avoid the traffic and hit the vid store on the way home. There was a guy in there who just stuck. He was a young-ish bloke, late 20's who seemed to consider himself a geezer but he just reeked. Even when he moved away from me to go to the counter the smell just hung there like a rotting carcass.

I seemed to get up early on the Saturday and completed the trivialities of another weekend. I needed to get a brake light bulb for my car and the garage closed at 1.00pm. I got on the road at about 12.10 and then sat in traffic for all that time while we attempted to crawl along this goddam stretch of road that they been working on for ages. I knew there were roadworks but I hadn't expected them to last for this long. By the time we got to the garage it was 1.15 and rage was at boiling point. They had a road works sign up saying 'Extreme delays, seek alternative route, commencing 9/09/06 ending.....' They knew it would take so long they hadn't even put an end date on it! The lack of attention and work by the lazy fucks in this country does my head in sometimes. How the hell does a construction company go to a council and say 'Yeah if you want a new roundabout in it's going to take 18 months' And of course when you drive past no one is ever working on it or if they are it's some retirement age moron aimlessly moving a traffic cone backwards and forwards.

Headed onto Bluewater as I wanted to show my bro this shirt in Ted Baker. I was looking at them when this rather buxom, low cut wearing shop assistant came over. I struggled to look at her eyes but was more embarrased and self conscious when I asked on the sizing system. I'd been looking at two shirts which were a 6 and 7 yet she told me a large was a 4. I know my weight is my own fault but she might aswell have said the 6 and 7's are reserved for the really fat fucks. I grabbed a 5 and shuffled over to the changing rooms. It was a little snug but I didn't like the colour and we left the shop. I chatted with bro about the amount of women strolling around bluewater and how much effort many of them seem to go to. I think the black clouds were coming over again and I found myself questioning the importance of making an effort when going to the shops. Ok I'm not saying go in dirty clothes but if you aren't buying clothes for work or going out in the evening then whats the point in buying them to wear back to the shops? I understand that it's good to look nice and the advantages it brings to your self confidence but I do a lot of things for particular reasons. When I drink it's for the effect rather than the taste and if I doll up nice for a night out its to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, whose company I'm likely to be in for the next 3 to 4 hours.

When going to the shops what is the point. I've been shopping for over 20 years of my life and I have never got chatting to or made a connection with a female on a shopping trip. I wasn't trying to make my brother as cynical as me and I realise that it's the first step in becoming old and senile when you believe you can wear the same clothes for 30 years but my belief that I'll never meet anyone out is so low that I'll naturally be clean but resigned to throwing anything on because there just simply isn't any point in making an effort. Found happiness in McDonalds who have relaunched their wedges, which always go down well.

Went to my hairdressers as the 'mo' had almost grown out. My hairdresser asked what I wanted and I said "same again but shaved a 1 at the sides and shorter on top". He seemed surprised and pleased and started shaving. I must confess there was a quick cold sweat flushing from every pore when I saw him start to shaving a 1 but as he said it would be a 1.5 by Monday. What the hell I think, it's pretty cool and different and I might run with it for a few weeks / month.

Hooked up with my mate that night and headed into Blackheath to our usual haunt. We were having some fun and bro and I were making him laugh with stories of P (my bro's dad and my step-dad) They were non-malicious and his quirks are highly entertaining. We bumped into a girl that we'd seen before in there and had gone back to their apartment (nothing happened) and she joined us with another friend (N). Bro and I got chatting to the new friend partly because my mate was chatting to the other girl and partly because I don't like her. I find her rather pretensious and shallow. At one point she criticised my brother about something and another we bought her an aftershock and went through with her how she should drink it, ie take it in, swill it round, swallow and breathe in through your mouth. N had just done this and enjoyed the eye watering experience. Even though we had bought her the drink this girl just swallowed it straight away. We said to her did you hear what we said and she stared at us blankly. I hate that attitude, you think yourself so cool because alcohol doesn't affect you but we were doing it to have some fun, not as a pissing contest.

Bro and I concentrated on N who was far more entertaining and we shared stories of America, being a slave to your mobile phone when you are expecting a text and the joy of myspace, faceparty etc. I was tempted to tell her about my site but thought I'd hold fire. We headed downstairs to the disco part and continued to have fun with N though her mate was trying this ridiculous game of trying to make my friend jealous by chatting to other blokes, even though we'd just paid for them to get into the disco part. My friend is a good looking guy so trying to make him jealous is a foolish game as he simply turned on his heels, broke into conversation with a group of girls and had them eating out of his arse within 5 mins. One of this new group of women was a 40+ Paula Yates lookalike who was pissed out of her nut. She kept lurching forward and running her hands all over me as she attempted to string a sentence together. I don't mind some contact but she unnerved me and I hoisted her onto my bro while I went to the toilet and when I returned could see he was just as uncomfortable with this smashed, groping woman. I signaled to my mate that we needed to evac as I thought it wouldn't be long before this woman got cheesed off that we weren't reciprocating her attentions. There ain't nothing worse than a scorned, drunk older woman. It was a shame to leave N as she was quite good fun but I really didn't like the other girl and was happy to get away before the two faced cow started pining for a lift home.

Watched The Game again on Sunday, as I'd picked it up in a sale the day before. Bro hadn't seen it before and enjoyed it, just as I did. Michael Douglas is excellent in it, he plays those kind of driven yet measured with his words characters so well. It does raise some interesting points about the dangers of becoming either so work focused or obsessed than you can descend down a path that only has once conclusion. I'd also bought Hellboy, which I'd really hoped I would like watching again as I really like the director and lead actor but alas no. It still has some cool stuff but just doesn't mesh together in the same way that Blade II does. I tried to like Hellboy and the girl he fancies but couldn't and really didn't like his FBI handler.

The coming week is the last one before the campaign launch so I'm expecting some late nights and early mornings at work. I'll fill you in on the further meanderings of my life soon.