"You want me to show you tough, I'll show you tough" - 16/10/2006

Began the week by discovering that the campaign we'd all been working so hard on had been screwed up by somebody not doing their job properly (not anyone at our company). This was then compounded by said person launching a retaliatory email back to me. The way it was handled in the office did not please me and I felt a little let down. I understand the professional reasons for why it happened yet it's treatment caused ripples within that hung with me for a good few days.

It narked me off to the point of me not going swimming although when asked about it in the office I said I had gone to save face as I didn't want my new regime to look like it had stuttered even before it started. Watched Spooks, which although is just a shadow of series 1 & 2 still delivers the odd nugget of cleverness. There are though moments of silliness where I do grumble at the TV and the height of Adam's collars is becoming staggering.

On Tuesday one of my directors and I travelled to the clients to see the fruits of the work that the whole company had undertaken. We had to get there early to provide printed material to correct Monday mornings cock up but it was a real eureka moment when we walked into the reception to see material that we had produced on display. It made me immensely proud of the company I work for and the quality of work that we are capable of producing. The campaign director came down to meet us and despite being a very professional woman the energy of what had become 'her baby' being born caused an uncharacteristic embrace. It was really nice because here I was feeling chuffed at what we'd done and she was pleased with how it was all turning out. Yes there were annoying niggles (none caused by us I might add) but overall I could see she was happy, which was great.

We stayed until about lunchtime and then grabbed a spot of lunch at a simple harvester on the way home. I didn't go mad but it was still nice to be out for meal and I had a lunch of steak, veg and fries. It was a simple, inexpensive meal but you know me, a meal out is a treat and hence I loved it. I don't ever want to become tired of the wonder of eating out and I guess while I still find it hard to justify the notion of paying to have a meal out when I could have toast at home, I hope I won't.
Wednesday was still busy with final bits and pieces for the campaign plus other jobs that were coming in. Hit the gym that night and gave it a big shot. Saw myself in the mirror when changing and wasn't that impressed with what I saw. I tried to burn the image into my head to pull inspiration from next time I was beginning to slow on the running machine.

Bro came up and we sat down to watch the final double bill episode of Contender 2. The first match-up was for the bronze medal position but naturally we had to have the 'previously' section. Running through all the contenders that made up this series it was apparent, though we have known as it has gone along, that this series is disappointing compared to the 1st. There haven't been any team challenges and they were always great for establishing characters and highlighting what some individuals were really like, there hasn't been enough material showing the boxers getting some 'down time' in their quarters and interacting with others and the prizes for winning the fights have been weak, which again denied the viewer the chance to see how the boxers reacted to let you see who you did and didn't like. This series lacked the standout characters that last year had. In that one we had my faves Sergio Mora and Alfonso Gomez and my dislikes Peter Manfredo and Jesse Brinkley.

In this series I liked K9 because he was the underdog and maybe Steve Forbes because in his first fight against Freddie he was awesome and I wanted him to beat Grady. There had apparently been about 6-8 months between the end of the series (ie when it had been filmed) and the two fights in the Staples centre that we were about to see. The bronze fight was between K9 and Norberto Bravo. I liked Bravo and felt he got robbed against Grady. In the months away K9 had put in some serious work, more than the other three I would say, and came out looking very sharp and hungry. He always fought a bit bullish, seeming to hide behind his leading shoulder if an attacking flurry started. Because of this he always looked vulnerable if caught with a peach. In the series he had an air of the Frank Bruno about him. Strong and powerful when coming forward yet slow and lumbering at other times.

He'd got on his game though for this fight. He looked faster and more coiled than I've ever seen him. He'd done amazing work on his jab and just kept softening up with 1,2 or 3 jabs before unleashing the right hand bomb that was nearly always on target. Full credit to Bravo for soaking it up but his head was being snapped back time and time again with this devastating right of K9's. There was some crowd booing of K9 as they claimed he was holding and deliberately tangling up Bravo's gloves so he could hit him. It didn't look like this to me and indeed it was K9 that came off worse after a particularly nasty clash of heads. Norberto did stage a mini revival at one point and he was the crowd favourite but I gotta say that K9 just took him apart and was the deserving winner. K9 displayed grace in victory and did not act egotistically and even reminded the commentator how he had been dismissed by him two years previously. I liked the fact that K9 remembered that. I've got a lot of time for people who get changed and then go out of there way to prove that person wrong. With the way K9 looked and had so vastly improved I think he could have won the title had he been in the grand final. I would certainly have liked to see him land a few 'hurt bombs' on the side of Grady's face.

The main fight came on and it ran for ten rounds. It was very poor. Steve Forbes showed little of the flair or passion that he had done in his beginning fights and Grady used his extra power and longer reach to land more punches. Grady deserved to win but it was tedious display, especially after the earlier fight. If the show had been tetering on the edge of whether or not another series would be made then I think this will have consigned it into the bin. It's a shame it wasn't the same format as last year but I guess the makers can now claim that there is no market for a third, even though they were responsible for altering the show, which ultimately made it less involving and in turn affected it's popularity. Still it was good to have something to tune into and I'm still grateful to the makers for the first series, which was a real highlight of last year. I think it could have done with Sly's input but if he was away making Rocky Balboa (the trailer of which looks great) then I will take that sacrifice.

Thursday and we were back at the clients for a 'wash up' meeting to discuss how the campaign had been going and what hiccups we had encountered. It was great to have the chance to talk about all the people that had messed us around. It wasn't a witch hunt but at least a chance for our opinion and observations to be heard and appreciated. At lunch we went out with the campaign director which was really nice. As I said before she is very professional, yet it was nice for us to relax and talk about topics outside of the corporate world. ASOT was back on form this evening and it pushed me to download some more to listen to on my gym sessions.

We were quiet on Friday and I used the opportunity to begin to start some research on Barcelona, which will probably increase in intensity the closer we get to going. Watched two films that night with my bro. District 13 and A Sound of Thunder.

District 13 was a french film and a mix of Esape from New York meets Kiss of the Dragon. We did consider watching it dubbed but after literally just a minute of watching your brain just cannot get over the fact that the voice does not belong to the actor and we switched to subtitled. It made more sense and it was a very enjoyable film. I liked the two main good guys, the fighting and parcour / free running were very impressive and I even found myself warming to the French language. To be honest it's probably the first French language film that I've completely sat through. Ok there were ones when I was younger but I was only watching those late at night, with the volume turned right down and on the chance that there might be a little sex. It was a thoroughly entertaining film and the fight scenes showed a lot of invention.

We followed this with A sound of Thunder. Now I knew this could be poor as it hadn't been released at the pictures but it was directed by Peter Hyams who did Timecop, The Relic etc. I thought if nothing else it might be an average B movie. God, what a pile of shit. When trolls go on the IMDB boards of Titanic, Forrest Gump etc and claim it to be the worst film ever made they obviously haven't seen this. It was awful. Low rate CGI that looked like it had been created for a childrens TV programme. Lazy plot pointers like a technician dropping something in a shower of sparks and then forcing it into some device so it can malfunction later with disastrous consequences later. Annoying, cliched characters which were over acted and a yawn inducing set of ever increasing events that raise about as much tension as filling a bath. My biggest bug bear though was the cars. Timecop wasn't a bad film but the cars they used were appaling. These plastic, windowless, all white things that wobbled when they went over 25mph and displayed no viable reason why anyone in the future would buy or want one. They went one better in this and just had then CGI'd on a blue screen whose perspective looked all screwed up when the camera looked at the actors. Why as well in the future are there never any breaks in traffic, just a continuous stream of traffic with a regulation 6-7 feet between each vehicle?

Hit the gym a little later on Saturday but did my best to really go for it. Knocked out 500 calories on the running machine before hitting the weights and finishing on the cyclic machine for another 200. Got off the machine and was totally knackered having to gracefully collapse onto a crash mat as if I was going to start some crunches. Instead I spent the next five minutes trying to catch my breath back. Went into the steam room afterwards but there were two asians in there who were talking so damn loud, and finishing each others sentences, that I had to move into the sauna. It was nice to be somewhere different but it made little difference as their voices travelled through the wall like it was paper. I even felt compelled to comment on it to an attractive coloured girl, who was also in the sauna.

Left the gym in a surprisingly bad mood and hooked up with my brother at mine. I could tell my friend didn't want to go out, which was fine, and thought this was a good opportunity to go out with my brother. Trouble is that uncharacteristically we just weren't gelling together. I was worried that we would have a poor night, which I definately didn't want as had been building up us going out when he turned 21. I kind of deliberately picked a fight and we both said some things that we didn't want to. I love him to bits and he's my shining hope that I can affect something good in this world. I don't want him to make the mistakes I did and do want him to start living his life earlier than me, yet I don't want to corrupt him with my cynicism. I want to be there to share his experiences yet I don't want to crowd him or not provide the room to find his own path. He loves me and I think looks up to me yet I worry that under close scrutiny he'll see through the sham that I am just very average.

I found myself beginning to slip into a mood, man these seem to be happening more frequently, and headed out to return the DVD's that I'd got the night before. Thankfully where we were going to go out was virtually dead. Ok there were people milling around but it certainly wasn't busy and I was grateful that we hadn't tried to make it a big night. Mooched around, feeling like I was in some kind of bubble and took a wander into blockbuster. Decided to rent out Elephant which was the story of the columbine shootings. Something about people feeling lonely, disinfranchised and feeling the need to gun innocents down felt in keeping with my mood. I decided that if I was going to watch a film I needed some sustenance and I had a craving for some sea salt and balsamic vinegar kettle chips. I hit the nearby Asda's (only doing so because I wanted branded products) to discover they had no kettle chips. I contemplated returning home for a simple cup of tea but tell me I can't have something and I want it even more. Thus I drove further out to a Tesco's and walked round there filling my trolley with some un-needed crap. My crisps (the last packet of S & B ones in the shop), a few bottles of coke, Twix's that I developed a sudden craving for and other household products.
Elephant wasn't bad. It was a lot more slow moving and cerebral without a clear narrative. I don't actually know a great deal about the shootings and hence wasn't sure if the material was based on fact or the director's interpretation of it. Some characters lived and some died yet again I wasn't sure if the loose backgrounds painted for them were accurate or not. If it was closely aligned to the facts then I hadn't realised that the two kids had planted explosives, which failed to go off, to funnel the students into a central kill zone or that one of them actually shot the other. It was ok but didn't make a connection, humble or shock me. The entire packet of kettle chips that I demolished during it were very good though.

I'd been keeping an eye on the time as I was aware of a film on film4 that had caught my eye. I remembered reading some time ago about a korean film that contained Saving Private Ryan level scenes of battle but couldn't quite remember the title. It was called Brotherhood and I settled down to watch it. I've got to say that it was very good. The emotional scenes between the brothers and the idyllic life they lived before the Korean war kicked off were a little heavy handed but I find this a common thing with asian cinema. The battle scenes were genuinely amazing and I think outdid Saving Private Ryan. I found the story engrossing and could relate to the brother relationship at the core of the film. It didn't shy away from showing the horrors of war and you could see the genuine quality of the film in it's cinematography, music and overall feel. Another subtitled film but one I enjoyed immensely and would order on DVD during the following week.

Sunday was the penultimate round of the MotoGP. Nicky Hayden was 12 points in front of Rossi and needed to stop losing points to him. It was set up for what looked like an entertaining battle with Colin Edwards, Rossi's Yamaha teammate, doing a sterling job in second place holding people off. Nicky though was in the mood for a scrap but never got a chance to demonstrate this as his own team mate, Dani Pedrosa, seemed to get the arse that Nicky had overtaken him, came into a corner too hot and took them both out. Nicky was understandably furious with rage and the scenes of his fury pounding the gravel and swearing into a clenched fist echoed how pissed off I was. I couldn't believe Dani's stupidity. It's bad enough taking anyone out but your own team mate when he could genuinely win the championship is unforgivable. I was frustrated and thought it would turn into another Rossi whitewash but another Honda rider, Tony Elias, who hasn't done much all year but is probably fearful of losing his job went on the attack. Along with Kenny Roberts he overhauled Colin and then launched an attack on Rossi. He late braked Rossi and Kenny at the beginning of the last lap to take the lead at the end of the start/finish straight with an incredibly audacious display of braking, back tyre sliding out and everything. He held the lead until Rossi went past him halfway through the lap. Elias didn't quit though and literally sat on his back tyre round every corner. They nearly collided coming into the final chicane yet Rossi came out of the chicane and powered for the finish line. Elias was tucked right up behind to get a sliver of drafting and popped out at the last minute to ever so slightly surge ahead. He beat Rossi across the line by 0.002 of a second and I was chuffed. It still makes it incredibly hard for Hayden to win the championship as Rossi is 8 points ahead and can afford to come 4th in the final race but it was sweet to see Rossi beaten. Even the commentators who normally give Hayden short thrift, much to my annoyance, seemed genuinely sympathetic for him. That's racing as they say but it was still bloody annoying.

Went for my afternoon walk and found myself analysing my state of mind again. The demons that have been with me since my birthday don't seem to want to go away, dancing away in the recesses and waiting to pounce when I'm feeling low or bored. I walk past these smart houses with their two cars in the drive, double glazed windows and tied back curtains and I realise what a disappointment I must be. I'm never going to have this comfortable settled life. I'm not sure if it's I don't want it or just realise that I won't ever attain it. Most people seem to have their shit together, they are driven, they look to the long-term but I just can't. I don't have long-term goals because long-term never happens. Some people say life is too short and we don't have enough time on this Earth but I think we have too long. I'm 35 and I've probably got another 35 years of this. Who wants that? Everyone is worried about making enough so they don't die in poverty but if we had voluntary euthanasia by say 55 then some wouldn't have to worry about needlessly continuing this bullshit. Those that had futures, children, loved ones could remain but those without could just end it if they wished with no fuss or fears what the pain of being discovered would cause others. Whenever I hear nice pieces of music I always think I'd like this to be played at my funeral and I rarely think of a piece for my wedding. I think this is because the former is something I can rely on happening, the latter is unlikely.

Everyday I seem to become more and more like a guy I once met when I was younger. I was out with my aunt on my annual christmas trip to London where we would go the Hamleys Toy shop, grab a McDonalds and then go to the pictures. My aunt worked for local government and we bumped into this bloke in the cinema foyer that my aunt knew from her work. He was quite a sad, pathetic looking man, probably mid to late 30's and not very well turned out. He was eating an unbranded burger, waiting to see a film and seemed earnestly pleased to see someone he knew. The image of this guy lived with me for ages. In a city full of McDonalds, Wimpeys, Burger Kings, Wendys etc why would you buy an unknown burger, why was he going to the pictures on his own, why didn't he have any friends and why come to a city which would almost certainly make you feel even lonelier.

Yet I feel I am becoming more like him. I'm content to see a film on my own, I'm beginning to not see the point in making a special effort in my appearance when going out alone and I've been out where I almost want to exacerbate my loneliness. I wouldn't however buy a hamburger from an unknown source when faced with a range of known brands!

I'm trying to lose a little weight and I think this is also having a bearing on my darkened mood. Eating is one of the few pleasures or excitements and reducing this to still remain anonymous to the opposite sex is frustrating. I know it's sensible to keep trim and you should do this for yourself but frankly I couldn't care for myself. I know who I am and what I am. It's not great to look in the mirror and see the flab around my waist but in reality I know this isn't what is stopping me from finding someone special. Even more soul crushing is when I do lose it and look in the mirror again that I think 'you look great but no one can see it and no one really cares'.
I'm not depressed. I'm just using this as a sounding board for the differing stratas of thoughts that my mind can find during the course of a week and between Saturday evening and Sunday evening I certainly 'dipped'.

I watched the Matador again when I got in which was good to see. Such a great performance from Pierce Brosnan. Well I guess that wraps up the week. For all those readers that have got this far and still have not seen the relevance of this week's title then it is connected to a video a work colleague was sent. You can find it here at www.gougoule.com/violence/ and is a collection of ridiculous guys who assume they are hard with their martial arts skills but in reality are complete morons. With a stressful week it literally had me crying with laughter and we've continued to watch and quote it in the office. The first guy's oh so serious statement is priceless as is the black guy with the nung chukas who still attempts to swing them after his little accident. Hope you like it.

All work, a little play and a lot of food - 09/10/2006

Well I thought it was going to be busy this week and it was. Every day seemed to get progressively busier as we moved towards the launch date of this campaign we are working towards. We seemed to be either fighting fires, discovering things that hadn't been done or having to delay things as we waited for approval and swung dangerously close to deadlines that we couldn't miss. Through the shit and being messed around we all seemed to be working and pulling together more than usual. I felt in the thick of it and the shared experience was great.

I went in early a few mornings and stayed late quite a few nights. We seemed to eat lots of junk food to keep us going bacon sarnies, hot dogs, cheeseburger 'n' chips, KFC, endless teas and cokes. We had things being delivered, things being packed and prepared, delays with couriers and printers and a host of emails bouncing around from party to party. Despite the pressure we had fun and I downloaded the Hoff's new single 'Jump in my car' which although cheesy is good fun. I played this enough times for it to become synomonous with the end of the campaign. I really like the Hoff and I think a little piece about him in the musings/observation section of my site is in order.

By Wednesday we were kinda ready for the last push but couldn't start until some final items of print arrived so left at around 8.00ish. My brother came up and we watched the semi final double bill of The Contender. K9 vs Steve Forbes was the first fight. I like K9 though I confess he is more of a brawler rather than a silky boxer. He has a lot of power but he isn't very agile or quick and Forbes was out boxing him. The show seemed to be trying to make out K9 to be really bad for holding and punching to the head but it seemed that Steve Forbes was getting in close to tie up K9, leaving him no other resort.

Steve Forbes won and I gotta say that it was probably the right result. You could see K9 was initially disappointed at the result but showed his colours by complimenting Steve and embracing him at the end. The next fight was Norberto Bravo and Grady Brewer. I like Norberto and he did seem to be a good character though it has been hard in this show with such little un-manufactured exposure to the boxers to detect any characters. Norberto was this brave mexican and he put Grady on his arse in the first round, which was great. The next four rounds were tough to call but I thought they were level pegging with Norberto's knockdown likely to seal the win for him. Amazingly the judges scored all the rounds to Grady despite the knockdown. I thought it was the worst decision of the programme and we felt Bravo had been well and truly robbed.

Drove in with my brother on Thursday as he was working next door and we came in a little earlier. As we were coming through the village I spotted Mystery Girl. Amazing how they know just when to re-appear after dropping off your radar. The notion of seeing her again had slipped from my mind yet here she was. I tried not to excitedly check her out and my brother got a chance to see her. She still looked good and was wearing an interesting combo of puffy-ish skirt and some trainers. It looked different but she has the legs to pull it off. I wasn't mentally prepared and the traffic was moving slow enough that I wouldn't have time to get out and hand her the card. To be honest as well I wasn't feeling particularly self confident and thus don't think I would have done a good job. It was nice to see her again but frustrating that I know I probably won't spot her for another month or so.

Got into the office and it was onwards and upwards. We waited for the final items to arrive and got cracking. We were making up, collating and addressing boxes. My brother came round to help after he'd finished work and we formed a sort of chain as one of us would be responsible for putting certain items into the box, while another added more, someone else packaged them up etc. It was good fun though I did get hot enough that I had to pull off my jumper and work in my wifebeater. I know I didn't look like someone from an American boy band but it was either this or be sweating like a pig. We had music playing, naturally including the Hoff, and by working together managed to get it all finished by around 9.00ish, which was a lot earlier than we'd expected. Everything got tidied away and we tried to take the most unflattering looking shot of me in my wifebeater that we could. I'm sensitive about somethings but I know I've put a good few pounds on and thus am capable of laughing at myself when looking a little, erm, soft. We printed the image out and I've stuck it on the wall next to my desk to help motivate me when the office nut bucket is calling me.

The fact that we had managed to get these things done sooner than expected made it almost feel like a Friday night and I felt that I needed to reward my bro for all his help. I gave him the option of a takeaway and he went for the curry. Naturally I was heartbroken! Let's continue the week of gluttony I decided and it was very yummy. I'm glad I've rediscovered the pleasures of curry though I don't intend to have one every week from now on.

We had booked a van to take all the items we'd prepped the night before on Friday morning and after loading it with over 200 boxes we set to work tidying up the office. There were only four of us in and one of those was leaving after lunch but it was good to get the office cleaned, hoovered and returned to it's normality after the clutter and crap that had accumulated after the last three or so weeks. We finished in style with a pizza each and by golly mine was good. I normally go for a deep pan as I find the Italian thin ones are normally so thin that as you pick one up, the slice flops in half and all your toppings slide off into the box. On this one though (I'd gone for an Italian medium meat feast with extra pepperoni and mushroom) the crust was a little thicker and there was no 'floppage'. Every mouthful seemed to contain meat, juices and taste and it was great. All washed down with a cold can of coke and a post lunch conversation.

Thankfully because the cleaning had been done we didn't have to race around doing it so could let the food settle and talk about the campaign. The rest of the afternoon was fairly relaxing as we were down to just the three of us but with our late nights, early starts and all other manner of work I think we'd earnt a little 'down time'. I stayed late to complete two journal entries as my site had been forced to take a back seat what with our extra work load.

I managed to get the brake light for my car on Saturday. As you might remember the traffic had been an absolute pig the weekend before so I went an alternate route, parked up and walked to the garage. He couldn't track down which internal light I needed and hence I had to walk back to my car to get the manual to show him the one I needed. Needless to say the traffic today was fine and I could have easily driven to the garage. I got the brake light but after all the efforts to track down the interior light, they didn't have it in stock. Headed off to the town to put some money away and also get some shopping. I was going to attempt the start of the fitness regime so my idea was to cut right back on the amount of food I eat. I know some people like to diet and eat different things, cut things out etc but I'm more of I'd rather have considerably less and exercise considerably more. Shopping consisted of 6 eggs, sliced white loaf and a carton of orange juice. Onto the gym and it was good to be back. I had told myself I wouldn't go mad and I didn't, but I feel I'm cheating myself if I don't push myself. Managed to get out five miles on the running machine, one set on the main weight machines and a 15 minute burn on the cyclic trainer.

Wasn't in the mood for a big night out so simply went and saw The Departed with mate and bro. It was ok. I like Leo Di Caprio and he was good in this role along with some other big names including Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon and Martin Sheen. I always feel a bit uneasy with films about organized crime. I really hate bullies and they all invariably are, so I'm already feeling negative until they get their comeuppance. The story had a fair amount of twists, turns and surprises but I was conscious of it being a long film and the general consensus upon leaving was that it was alright but nothing more.

Sunday was the usual. Dug out a DVD from my collection, Batman Beyond, and watched that again. It's not bad and it's always good to see the Joker when performed by Mark Hamill but it's no Mask of the Phantasm. I was keen to keep up the exercise routine and donning my ipod went for an hour long walk. I think the puma trainers I wore were lacking in proper foot support and by the time I got back the left side of my left foot was rather sore. A ridiculously hot bubble bath went some way to ease this as did watching the film Glory again. Great film, which is all about the first black american regiment that was set up during the civil war. It's directed by Edward Zwick, the same guy behind The Last Samurai, and stars Denzel Washington (who won an Oscar), Morgan Freeman and Matthew Broderick. A really good film with rousing music and battle scenes.

Talk soon.

Lost finishes and I lose my will to write - 01/10/2006

I must confess to finding it hard to regain my mojo in writing this up. My lack of visitors and the couple of bad reviews has led to me really analysing myself and thinking that it's all a waste of time. We've been really busy at work, which of course is great but it's meant that time is limited in the evening to keep this updated. But I've felt a little low. I've tried not to show it to others and maybe it's compounded by my birthday but I know it's been there and I think it's contributed to my inactivity of writing. There are emails I need to write to people and I've neglected some of the few internet friends that I really have. Everyone needs some down time I guess and maybe it's good to go away and come back afresh.

Some new features have been made available at the company that hosts the site and maybe I'll try and look at them and get round to updating the look and feel of this site. I guess what I've always liked about it is the content and I want to keep that going. I think if one starts down the road of improving the site it could become all consuming and I'd let the content go. To be honest though this is one of the reasons why I don't date my posts. My thoughts are my thoughts and hence not governed by what I happen to think that one day. If I put them down on here then that is what I think on that particular topic and if that changes I'll change it on here. I think I'm going to change the home page as I think many don't seem to get the sarcasm and irony in the opening piece there or that I'm trying to take the piss out of myself. Maybe I'll just try to concoct a witty piece that sums up who I am, maybe a few pictures will help.

So why the writing lethargy? I don't think I'm a shallow person but if we go deep and personal I think I do crave either attention or the act of trying to get people to like me. I have thoughts and views which fill this site and maybe having them enjoyed by others make me feel that they and I have value. I think the lack of time, coupled with my lack of motivation led to the delays in getting these journals up and any other content. It's funny but if others are down then I consider it my duty to make them happy, tell them how good they are and show them a better way. To this end it probably looks like I'm always happy but the demons that can come and make me down are always locked away. I try not to show them when others are around but they are always there beneath the surface. Anyway on with the show, or lack of it.

It was another double bill of Contender on Monday night. It's amazing it's like they just want to get the show over and it's making it hard to care as much about the boxers involved. First up was Michael Stewart and Grady Brewer. I thought after Stewart's knocking out of Ebo he'd be a force to be reckoned with but he was totally useless with a low workrate. Grady was running rings round him and it seemed either Michael couldn't punch him or just didn't want to, either way he lost and was right to. Next up was Gary Balletto and Norberto Bravo. I've not been able to gauge a great deal about the boxers but Norberto has stood out as someone I like and I wanted him to go through, which he did. Gary was still looking for the big bombs and simply became burnt out why Bravo just carried on going. Onto the semi's now, which once again are in a double bill!

Another client meeting on Tuesday as part of this campaign that we are implementing for one of our major clients. It's good work that we have produced and I'm proud to be part of the company that is producing it. Raced home for Spag bol (other half from Sunday) and to watch the final parts of Lost.

Some bits were frustrating I confess but that is the nature of a cliffhanger, so one can hardly complain about being left dangling. It delivered a lot to think about I thought. Background on Desmond and how he thought he might have caused the plane to crash. The bits where the huge magnet kicked in and everything started slamming into the wall or being crushed were great and I felt an emotional twinge when the letter from Penny dropped out of Desmonds book. There were mild niggles about how Charlie one minute is trying to pull Eko from the flames yet the next minute couldn't care less about what might have happened in the hatch. The curiosity which leads him to get involved in these things suddenly vanished after there was this amazing sound and all he was concerned about was snuggling up next to the fire with Claire. Also a tad frustrating that we end the 2nd series almost where we did in the 1st with no further clues about the Others. But I mustn't grumble. It's good to have at least one 'event' tv programme and the subject matter of this is still entertaining for me.

Stayed late in the office on Wednesday to do a CD for my cousin who was heading off to Honduras the next day (the one I'd seen at the weekend). I've got a playlist on iTunes of great melancholy songs featuring stuff from Lost, Crash, Halo, The Last Samurai, Forrest Gump etc which I burned onto a disc. I then produced a CD insert for it. I couldn't find the template on word so had to create it in powerpoint and then cut it out to place in the front and the back. It had two images of me in my parachute gear and when eventually it was done (gone 1am) I drove it round and slipped it through the letterbox to greet her on the morning of her flight. Hope she likes them. They aren't miserable songs, just the kind you put on when you want to relax and let your mind wander.

Thurday was a busy one and there was a real problem with a part of this charity campaign we are working on. I managed to resolve it and it made me feel a lot more useful at work and that I'd done something productive. I had to keep several of the clients in the loop via email, which I did along with injecting some humour, and I felt I'd made a worthwhile contribution. A friend in the office got a new dress for a ball she was going to and she looked really good in it. It's a shame women don't have more formal functions more regularly because I don't think you can beat a woman turned out in a really nice long black dress. ASOT was good tonight and it helped get me through the previous week's journal entry, though I did feel it lacked any real spark of electricity, the journal entry that is.

Friday was even busier and more stressful with another problem arising that made the previous days problem seem like nothing. An external supplier who we had to use to supply an element of the campaign basically told us that he couldn't supply the item 4 days before it needed to be sent off. This piece, which was integral to the whole campaign, had been ordered with him 5 weeks ago yet this useless piece of shit, who'd let us down on other items effectively washed his hands of the problem. With little time available we got on the internet to find a replacement and managed to arrange delivery of a compromise. Again it was fun to be involved at the centre of it and know that we had kind of resolved the problem. It will also make me feel that I earnt our trip to Barcelona when it comes around. After a heavy week we broke for a KFC lunch, which needless to say I ate way too much of. The fact that I know I'm soon to start the fitness regime (didn't I say this before my birthday!!) means I seem to be eating even more unhealthy shit. Oh well, it's only weight and that can always be lost as I've proved before.

By Friday night I was looking forward to the chance to relax over the weekend. Stayed for a few hours in the office to avoid the traffic and hit the vid store on the way home. There was a guy in there who just stuck. He was a young-ish bloke, late 20's who seemed to consider himself a geezer but he just reeked. Even when he moved away from me to go to the counter the smell just hung there like a rotting carcass.

I seemed to get up early on the Saturday and completed the trivialities of another weekend. I needed to get a brake light bulb for my car and the garage closed at 1.00pm. I got on the road at about 12.10 and then sat in traffic for all that time while we attempted to crawl along this goddam stretch of road that they been working on for ages. I knew there were roadworks but I hadn't expected them to last for this long. By the time we got to the garage it was 1.15 and rage was at boiling point. They had a road works sign up saying 'Extreme delays, seek alternative route, commencing 9/09/06 ending.....' They knew it would take so long they hadn't even put an end date on it! The lack of attention and work by the lazy fucks in this country does my head in sometimes. How the hell does a construction company go to a council and say 'Yeah if you want a new roundabout in it's going to take 18 months' And of course when you drive past no one is ever working on it or if they are it's some retirement age moron aimlessly moving a traffic cone backwards and forwards.

Headed onto Bluewater as I wanted to show my bro this shirt in Ted Baker. I was looking at them when this rather buxom, low cut wearing shop assistant came over. I struggled to look at her eyes but was more embarrased and self conscious when I asked on the sizing system. I'd been looking at two shirts which were a 6 and 7 yet she told me a large was a 4. I know my weight is my own fault but she might aswell have said the 6 and 7's are reserved for the really fat fucks. I grabbed a 5 and shuffled over to the changing rooms. It was a little snug but I didn't like the colour and we left the shop. I chatted with bro about the amount of women strolling around bluewater and how much effort many of them seem to go to. I think the black clouds were coming over again and I found myself questioning the importance of making an effort when going to the shops. Ok I'm not saying go in dirty clothes but if you aren't buying clothes for work or going out in the evening then whats the point in buying them to wear back to the shops? I understand that it's good to look nice and the advantages it brings to your self confidence but I do a lot of things for particular reasons. When I drink it's for the effect rather than the taste and if I doll up nice for a night out its to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, whose company I'm likely to be in for the next 3 to 4 hours.

When going to the shops what is the point. I've been shopping for over 20 years of my life and I have never got chatting to or made a connection with a female on a shopping trip. I wasn't trying to make my brother as cynical as me and I realise that it's the first step in becoming old and senile when you believe you can wear the same clothes for 30 years but my belief that I'll never meet anyone out is so low that I'll naturally be clean but resigned to throwing anything on because there just simply isn't any point in making an effort. Found happiness in McDonalds who have relaunched their wedges, which always go down well.

Went to my hairdressers as the 'mo' had almost grown out. My hairdresser asked what I wanted and I said "same again but shaved a 1 at the sides and shorter on top". He seemed surprised and pleased and started shaving. I must confess there was a quick cold sweat flushing from every pore when I saw him start to shaving a 1 but as he said it would be a 1.5 by Monday. What the hell I think, it's pretty cool and different and I might run with it for a few weeks / month.

Hooked up with my mate that night and headed into Blackheath to our usual haunt. We were having some fun and bro and I were making him laugh with stories of P (my bro's dad and my step-dad) They were non-malicious and his quirks are highly entertaining. We bumped into a girl that we'd seen before in there and had gone back to their apartment (nothing happened) and she joined us with another friend (N). Bro and I got chatting to the new friend partly because my mate was chatting to the other girl and partly because I don't like her. I find her rather pretensious and shallow. At one point she criticised my brother about something and another we bought her an aftershock and went through with her how she should drink it, ie take it in, swill it round, swallow and breathe in through your mouth. N had just done this and enjoyed the eye watering experience. Even though we had bought her the drink this girl just swallowed it straight away. We said to her did you hear what we said and she stared at us blankly. I hate that attitude, you think yourself so cool because alcohol doesn't affect you but we were doing it to have some fun, not as a pissing contest.

Bro and I concentrated on N who was far more entertaining and we shared stories of America, being a slave to your mobile phone when you are expecting a text and the joy of myspace, faceparty etc. I was tempted to tell her about my site but thought I'd hold fire. We headed downstairs to the disco part and continued to have fun with N though her mate was trying this ridiculous game of trying to make my friend jealous by chatting to other blokes, even though we'd just paid for them to get into the disco part. My friend is a good looking guy so trying to make him jealous is a foolish game as he simply turned on his heels, broke into conversation with a group of girls and had them eating out of his arse within 5 mins. One of this new group of women was a 40+ Paula Yates lookalike who was pissed out of her nut. She kept lurching forward and running her hands all over me as she attempted to string a sentence together. I don't mind some contact but she unnerved me and I hoisted her onto my bro while I went to the toilet and when I returned could see he was just as uncomfortable with this smashed, groping woman. I signaled to my mate that we needed to evac as I thought it wouldn't be long before this woman got cheesed off that we weren't reciprocating her attentions. There ain't nothing worse than a scorned, drunk older woman. It was a shame to leave N as she was quite good fun but I really didn't like the other girl and was happy to get away before the two faced cow started pining for a lift home.

Watched The Game again on Sunday, as I'd picked it up in a sale the day before. Bro hadn't seen it before and enjoyed it, just as I did. Michael Douglas is excellent in it, he plays those kind of driven yet measured with his words characters so well. It does raise some interesting points about the dangers of becoming either so work focused or obsessed than you can descend down a path that only has once conclusion. I'd also bought Hellboy, which I'd really hoped I would like watching again as I really like the director and lead actor but alas no. It still has some cool stuff but just doesn't mesh together in the same way that Blade II does. I tried to like Hellboy and the girl he fancies but couldn't and really didn't like his FBI handler.

The coming week is the last one before the campaign launch so I'm expecting some late nights and early mornings at work. I'll fill you in on the further meanderings of my life soon.

The joy of Curry and Canary Wharf - 25/09/2006

Grudge match in Contender on Monday night with K9 and Walter Wright going at it. It was a dirty, messy fight and Walter decided he wanted to brawl with K9 rather than stick with his silky smooth style. I didn't like his brash arrogance and I think it was a foolish of him to try to tear it up with K9. K9 is the underdog but his lumbering style did little to impress and overall it was a disappointing fight.

My brother was working next door on Wednesday and after he'd done he came to join me where I work. As we were still in the glow of our birthdays I suggested we try out Wagamamas as I'd wanted him to experience it. We decided to hit the one in Canary Wharf and headed over there, which after parking up proved to me how easy and trouble free it still was to visit. I hadn't realised that my bro had never been so once we left the confines of the shops and headed out into the main building area his excitement was contagious. To be fair I love sharing new things with people and Canary Wharf has this amazing quality about it. Heading down into the main piazza in South Quay outside the entrance to the station and looking back up at the Tower is awe inspiring. Everything is just so clean and tidy with the 'lovely' people walking around and enough polished marble and recessed lighting to satisfy anyone. It was a mild evening and drinking in the atmosphere of this place was just intoxicating. I just love how each building tries to unashamadely outdo the other in either the size of mostly unused vast foyers or the number of visible atriums it has.

There is so much attention to detail and the use of lighting and glass in the design and layout of buildings and leaves you with nothing more to do than just stand with your mouth open and hands on your hips. Even the station is great. Take the escalator down and this huge cavern just opens up. It's like what you imagine a huge station in America might be like. We moved through the marbled corridors that criss cross underneath the area to come out in what was another plaza area. This seemed to be the restuarant area with a bevy of cool places to eat. We took a short escalator up to the glass fronted Wagamamas and got shown to a table. Even though it was around 8.20ish it was still buzzing in there with plenty of people having come from work. It always makes me wonder at what point it is that you get to when going out for dinner becomes purely functional and a means to take onboard nourishment rather than having a nice meal out.

Either way I still take real pleasure in the treat of eating out, no matter what or where it is and tonight was no exception. I played it safe and had what I enjoyed before which was still yummy. My bro enjoyed the starters but thought the main (he had the same as me which was the breaded chicken with rice and a curry sauce) a little bland. I went for the ginger cheesecake for dessert which was mucho nice and had that pleasant bite of ginger. You know the kind that initially makes you think that is enough but then you feel compelled to have another piece. We left and decided to wander around the wharf a little more marvelling at the architecture and just taking in the general atmosphere. It's funny that we were so impressed with it's design and cleanliness that I think if we'd spotted any rubbish we would have probably picked it up and placed it in a bin. The place has just such a great feel to it. Without the hustle and bustle of people rushing around it has this calm air of excellence which is palpable. I would love to take a girl to see it because it would be nice to show someone something so cool, it would give them the chance to see me genuinely excited about something and it would also allow me to see that if it didn't impress them they probably weren't the kind of person I'd be interested in.

We walked over to the river to see the restuarants on the front and the location of the four seasons hotel. It's right on the bend of the Thames so rather cleverly you have a view of the City infront of you, some might say representing the old and Canary Wharf behind you representing the new. The hotel even has a pool as part of it's gym complex which is in this glass walled building overlooking the Thames. You can imagine how iconic a view it is if you wanted to film a movie set in London. Also makes you wonder what kind of money and lifestyle you would live if you happened to be the one on the inside doing your lengths with such a great view as your backdrop.

Needed to work late on Friday night and gave bro a bit of a runaround as I'd said we would do something. Felt bad and picked him up en route, hitting the vid store to pick up Silent Hill on DVD before going to an Indian takeway. We hadn't had a curry for ages. The best one we know is a few miles away and it always had the perception that it would be hideously expensive. It wasn't and we sorted ourselves out with poppadoms, naan's, tikka massala and bombay potatoes. Man, it was good. We both like food as you know and I'd forgotten the pleasures of tearing off a lump of warn naan, dunking it in massala sauce and popping it in my mouth. We retired to the comfort of the sofa to commence the film but despite having some 'far out' images and a twisting plot we found it a little slow and coupled with the weariness of the week I had to stop it half way through and hit the sack.

You'll all be delighted to know that I put some quality hours back into the sleepbank on Saturday. Bro wasn't working so after finishing off Silent Hill, which to be fair didn't get any better, bar this crazy scene with these faceless buxom knife wielding nurses, we played some more of the Xbox game I'd got him for his birthday. I don't know if it's down to the violent nature of the game and/or it's difficulty level but the level of obscenities that left our mouths whilst chopping, slashing, impaling and decapitating roman soldiers was so high that it became almost comical. Highlights included "Eat dick, you monkey piece of shit", "motherfucker, I'll fuck you up", "I'm going to cut your arse off and feed it to you" and "Don't cry wolf me with you old bastard or I'll kill you myself".

That night bro and I went out with my two female cousins in Beckenham. One of my cousins is back from Korea and it was great to go out with them both. I wasn't sure how the night would turn out as both had confessed to not enjoying getting blaggered or dancing. I needn't have worried as they were both great fun. We had some drinks outside, I was on the red bulls as I was driving, and we were having a damn good laugh. There were plenty of honeys out as well in Beckenham and I confess that our eyes must have done a little wandering. We moved inside and over to a corner where we continued to have some drinks. The bar was lively and towards the end we managed to grab a few dances on the dance floor with them, which pleased me. We blasted up to the Tea hut as we were hungry and one of my cousins hadn't been there. I wanted to complete the night in style and what better way than with some quarterpounder egg burgers and a cup of tea. It was nice to be out with them and see a different side to the one I see at Christmas and Easter. I know I'm just as much to blame for not seeing more of them but I really enjoyed it and I hope they got to see me in a different light as well.

Accomplished very little on Sunday. Watched the MotoGP, played some Xbox and cooked a great spag bol. Talk soon.

Birthdays, bad reviews and a disturbing similarity to Scotty Pelk - 18/09/2006

Christ this traffic is getting even worse and work getting even busier, though the latter is not a bad thing. It's good to be busy and keeps the money rolling in. Contender was Steve Forbes vs Nic A? and it was a good fight. Steve is a very good fighter but Nick showed some real balls and took him to the wire. Nick wasn't as proficient a boxer as Steve and I felt that if it went to a split decision they would probably give it to Steve as he was the better boxer. Steve didn't show boat as much and did look knackered by the end of the fight. I think Nick had good reason to be pleased with his performance but it was fair that Steve went through.

Stayed late in the office on Tuesday and when I eventually got round to leaving it had started raining. By the time I was close to home it was seriously pelting down. I had the CD off as the rain hitting the car was so damn loud and the road so awash with water that it felt like I was driving in a river. There was no one else on the road and it felt like I was the last person alive. Out of nowhere there was this flash of lighting that surprised and genuinely unnerved me. I think because I hadn't expected it and there was nothing else on the road that I was suddenly very wary. I found myself looking at passing lamposts and trees and reminding myself that it the lighting came closer it would the higher objects that got hit rather than mine. I even found myself double checking in my mind whether it was an urban myth or true that if I got struck by lighting I'd be safe because of the rubber tyres. Would the amount of water on the road negate this? Childish really and I'm puzzled to describe why it spooked me but it did and I was relieved to park up and get indoors.

After having wrapped them in the office I stopped round at my bro's on Thursday night to give him his birthday presents. He was 21, so the big one and I tried to get him something bigger than normal. Needless to say that at soon as I gave them to him I felt guilty that I should have done more to reflect the special-ness of the day. I got him a 4gb nano which I think he was made up with along with the DVD of The Warriors, which he has liked for some time. I also got him a bottle of 89.9% Absinthe. The two of us have always had this thing of trying to find the strongest spirits that we can find. There's something about feeling unnerved and wary when contemplating downing an Absinthe shot and finding this baby has nicely raised the stakes. Even the label on the bottle warns about not drinking it neat, which we do, and keeping it away from naked flames. My bro had a shot and I had a tiny drop and it was awesome. It made every hair on my arm stand up 30 seconds after downing it.

Friday was my day in the office, as my birthday was on the Sunday, but unfortunately we were really busy but I still received a better share of cups of tea. Being my birthday meant I could choose the hot lunch and I plumped for some pies that one of my colleagues collected from a great shop next to London Bridge which is imaginatively titled Pie. We got the table out and enjoyed our respective pies along with chips, beans, mushrooms, runner beans and buttered rolls. It was then present unwrapping time and I did very well. Got Film Geek and The Matador on DVD, the Halo graphic novel which I'd asked for, Lee Greenwood's Greatest hits (it's got God Bless the USA on it, which is the song that was played at the Bellagio Fountains) and a designed T-Shirt specifically for our Barcelona trip.

My site was reviewed by another review site called Ask and You shall receive. They offer a more thoughtful and considered review than the other 'fuck off and die, you loser' one. Despite this they still panned the site which stung again. I know, I know, I shouldn't submit it but you put yourself on the web for others to read your thoughts so requesting someone to actually tell you doesn't seem that odd to me. They criticized the length of posts and basic template design. Some say it's confusing in layout and what it delivers to the reader.

I know I'm biased but surely it's the simplest form of design. If you visit my site for the first time and you want to know something about me you check the topics on the left hand navigational bar and then scroll down until you find a sub title of interest. Surely that's simpler than scrolling through archives of daily entries to find the ones where I moan about women or supply hugely important cooking tips. If it can't be all singing - all dancing then you need to make things as clear and simple as possible and I can't see how this could be any clearer. Isn't it also one of the purest forms of blog by allowing the reader to get into my head on a range of topics almost immediately.

I think it helped de-motivate me to getting these latest journal entries written. How can I be so mis-understood? Is my use of language so alien to everyone else. I concede that it isn't all flash and bang but as I've said before I think you can judge a person more by how and what they write rather than a flash picture or colourful font. Maybe I am boring, prone to waffling but I read other blogs to get inside people's head and I think a daily paragraph of copy does not allow this. I want my site to be an online representation of me and maybe to others this is what I am. Oh well.

My brother met me at the office and we headed into town to celebrate his birthday. I'd booked a table at my favourite Italian restuarant, which is in Wapping, so we grabbed a few drinks in Shad Thames overlooking Tower Bridge. The Thames and London are still very impressive and it was good to be relaxing with my brother, chatting about work etc. We headed over to the restuarant which was booked for 9.30. Whilst my brother went to the toilet I quickly told the waiter that we were celebrating my bro's 21st and could we not get a seat in the darkest recesses. He also offered to prepare a cake or something which was fine. Having been told recently that we don't look remotely similar I was also keen to let the waiters know that he was my brother rather than my gay plaything!
They do this cracking thin crust garlic bread pizza thing, which was excellent and despite having yummo garlic mushrooms as well for starters went for the tagliatelle with mushroom for the main course. It sounds very un-daring I know but I haven't been to this restaurant for a few years and this was always my favourite dish, so how could I not. Liberally doused in parmesan it was lovely and we had a nice chat and drank in the atmosphere while we ate. The football manager, Harry Redknapp, was eating a few tables away from and must have been tipped off that we were going to be there! They took away our plates and while I decided what dessert to order (I was already stuffed but what the hell) the waiters brought out a tiramisu with a candle. We sang Happy Birthday to thoroughly embarrass bro and then shared it with two spoons.

We did consider hitting the cinema afterwards but instead headed home to check out one of my birthday DVD's Film Geek. It's a small independant film and I had seen a trailer of this about six months ago. We produced a t-shirt using the films strapline and I'd even written to the director to offer my support and tell him that I was looking forward to seeing it. It was a good film. The main character was a film geek and shared quite a few similarities to me. I might not dress as dorkily as him but I certainly share his passion for films, breasts and my website. In some places it was done on the cheap which you expect for such a low budget arthouse film but the script displayed intelligence, I certainly made a connection with the main character and I really enjoyed it. After all the months have passed since seeing the trailer, it was good to see it and not be disappointed. The leads character wasn't hostile and his geekness was because he wanted to connect with others. Colleagues at work who also saw it thought there were many similarities and reckoned that I should have been a technical advisor to add another layer of geekness. Maybe I could have added a piece about the disparity between the size of the actresses breasts and scantliness of clothing on the cover artwork opposed to the size of breasts within the film. I mean really if marketing tells them that large breasted women are more appealing on the cover to the target audience then why don't the casting directors follow this same advice - there you go classic geekness!

Saturday was the midway between mine and my brothers birthday and it was kept lazy. We played a game that I'd got him through his dad called Spartan. I think I mentioned it before but it's this hack and slash game that is pleasingly violent, very well made, has excellent music and can be very frustrating. Cups of tea were interspersed with dramatic walk aways from the console accompanied by heated swearing and complaints that it was 'impossible'. Normally the other one of us would be laughing as we took the controller to have our go only to then be doing the very same thing five minutes later. Went up to collect my friend later on and I wore the 'FIRE' t-shirt that a work friend had got me. She knows my contempt for fireman and it is actually a branded piece of LBF merchandise but the fruit of the loom t-shirt is a really nice fit.

Brother and mate had a full shot of Absinthe which shook them up nicely and my mate later confessed got him pumped and ready to party almost immediately. He wasn't pissed but he certainly felt more chatty and sociable than he would at such an early stage of the evening. We headed to a local bar which had a great smattering of nice looking girls before moving onto our usual haunt with two female friends. Even though it was the first time in what was such an iconic place for me we didn't move downstairs and just continued drinking and chatting upstairs. I was driving so wasn't drinking but bro and friend were entertaining as they consumed a fair chunk of shots. I even saw one of the girls who I think used to work at the gym but when I was last there (yikes it was a fair few weeks ago) didn't look like she was working there but just using the facilities. She always used to look quite cute but brushed up and out on the town she looked very nice. I managed to articulate this to her as she walked out of the door and she gave me a beaming smile, so I hope she enjoyed receiving the compliment.

Dropped the girls off afterwards and as the Blackheath tea hut had a huge queue headed on to the all night McDonalds. Can you believe that they don't have cheeseburgers on their all night menu? I mean really this is McDonalds and you can't get a cheeseburger. Drunken bravado kicked in from my brother who proclaimed we could eat masses so we ordered 6 large quarter pounder with cheese meals and a box of twenty chicken mcnuggets. It sounds gross but it was the birthday weekend (like I need an excuse!) and we hadn't eaten much during the day.

Sunday was my actual birthday but most of my presents had come through at work. I think I suffered from the classic not knowing what I wanted to ask for my birthday until about two days before it. MotoGP was in Philip Island and it started raining which threw the cat amongst the pigeons and allowed Melandri to grab a win which was good to see. Disappointing to see Gibernau lose his nerve on the very last corner of the last lap to allow Rossi to sneek through and grab a place on the podium. We moved on to my Aunts in the afternoon for a family get together which was nice. I got a good family who I like and get on with and it was great to see my cousin who was back from her time in Korea, though she's only back for two weeks or so before clearing out to Honduras. Chatting to my cousins etc made a nice end to the weekend.

Schools back, Ana-Lucia is dead and the Hostel was fully booked - 11/09/2006

Schools back and after the joy of a less stressful journey into work for the last month or so the daily grind has returned. You tell yourself at the beginning of the holiday season that you will try not to get used to it but you do and the return to the joy of sitting in traffic is even harder to tolerate. I've tried not to enter Blackheath later, but have and thus can't be sure if this is why I've missed mystery girl or that she's just gone AWOL again. Either way, and to put you out of your misery, I didn't get to see her all week. I know what will happen though. I will get to the stage that I stop looking for her and then she will suddenly cross the road in front of me.

It was the last of the first round in The Contender and thus it was a double bill of fight night. Unfortunately my brother's job forces him to work late on a Monday until 9.00pm. This is just when The Contender starts but I can't watch it without him as the show is intrinsically linked to the two of us, and also my best mate. This then requires a fast but safe evac from Bluewater and back home. We missed the first fight but did catch the second which was great.

Steve Forbes, who looks like a potential winner, was up against Freddy Curiel (sp?) who hadn't fought for about three years. The last boxer that I hadn't seen fight for so long was Gary Baletto in one of the earlier rounds. Gary's aim was off and he did look ring rusty but full credit to Freddy who looked sharp and hungry. Steve might have technically outboxed him but Freddy's heart was amazing. He would soak up punishment and keep on coming. In the first round he was so pumped that at one point he pushed Steve back onto the ropes Ivan Drago style and just unloaded. It was a really exciting fight and although Steve did deserve to win it was a shame that Freddie couldn't have progressed further as his performance was certainly better than some of the others that I've seen. What a great show this still is. The music is great and it really is raw, emotional drama in it's most vivid. These guys really do lay it all on the line and you can't help but feel humbled and thoughtful at the end of it.

Another double bill on Tuesday and this time it was Lost. After last time's disappointment it had some making up to do and it certainly delivered some juicy titbits. Michael returned knackered and worse for wear. He claimed he'd seen the others camp. Henry, the Other guy that they captured, tried to kill Ana-Lucia (AL) and Locke saved her. I hoped this would lead Locke to realise that he couldn't trust him but it didn't immediately. AL got herself a gun to kill Henry but couldn't do it. Michael offered to do it for her and then amazingly shot AL and also Libby when she accidentally came down into the hatch for some blankets. I must confess to having a jolting moment of surprise and I applaud the makers for that. AL died almost immediately and Libby lasted to the end of the episode but didn't get a chance to say who had killed her. Michaels reason's are strange. Has he been turned, was he made to do it to get back his son or has he done it to ensure that Jack and co will be fuelled by hatred to wipe out the others. Intriguing stuff and with I believe only two more episodes to come feel we could be coming up to a nice cliffhanger. I won't mind a cliffhanger as long as they give me something juicy to chew on over the break.

In another plot twist Locke and Mr Eko went into the forest following one of Eko's dreams and found another hatch. In this one it was revealed to Locke that they were basically typing in the numbers purely as part of an observed social experiment. The hatch Locke and Eko were in had secret cameras to theirs and other hatch's, which you couldn't see, and after watching an Orientation video it was clear that the initial purpose of the hatch was that of an experiment. Mr Eko still believed they had a purpose, citing some religious mumbo jumbo but I think Locke was having doubts. I do hope he tells Jack about it and not continue the annoying act of not telling other people pertinent information until it is absolutely necessary.

A good double bill and it certainly delivered some surprises, not least of all in the killing off of two main-ish characters. Ok they might have only been introduced in this series but it still reminds you that the makers aren't afraid to do it, which is certainly encouraging.

Had a bit of a Halo resurgence during the week. With my forthcoming birthday I thought I'd treat myself to the second volume of the Halo 2 soundtrack. I realise that will ratchet up my geek rating by a good few points and am prepared to take that on the chin. The first volume was good and had some decent pieces but it did suffer from my pet hate of 'music inspired by' tracks that were not needed. Four 7-10 minute pieces by Incubus for pity sake! In the second volume the composer has basically taken all the music from the game and arranged it into an assortment of suites. I loved the music during the game and I think playing it will serve me well when I eventually get round to writing down my thoughts on Halo 2.

We called Thursday 'Big Thursday' this week as there was a lot to get done and due to breaking the back of it by lunchtime lashed out on a KFC. Needless to say I enjoyed it though there was a tinge of guilt. I have decided that I'm really going to hit back the gym and dieting after my birthday and use Barcelona as a focal point, just like I did with Las Vegas last year. Until then fuck it and I'm gonna eat what I want. State of Trance was ok but a little forgettable if I'm honest and I seemed to mooch around the net aimlessly. Sometimes the net can really make you feel connected to the world and other people but other times it can seem the loneliest place in the world and this was one of those times. I headed home late and maybe because of the way I was feeling wasn't 'blatting' it. A police car pulled in behind me on this one piece of dual carriageway and then flashed for me to pull over. Dammit. I didn't get out as it was a busy dual carriageway and waited for the officer to approach the passenger window.

He cautioned me on my slight over speeding and asked where I was going and where I was coming from. It's funny how I wouldn't say I have anything to be nervous about with the police but I do start over analysing everything I say when I'm talking to them. I told him where I worked yet at the same time seemed to look around the car for a business card to prove this. You then panic by thinking that you've just displayed a clear body language sign of guilt by looking away at the moment of telling him where you work. He asked if I'd been drinking and then wanted me to lean over and breathe on him. At first I didn't hear him right and he had to repeat it. Thoughts raced in my head 'Is my breath ok, thank god I'm chewing fresh gum but will he think I'm trying to disguise my alcohol breath'. He verbally cautioned me again and then bid me good night. What do I then say 'Thank you, sorry, you're doing a great job'. If you are too polite you sound like you are being sarcastic, too laid back and you sound disrespectful. I pulled away and drove slowly while they hung on my tail. I had only been a couple of miles over but needless to say was very grateful for not receiving any points or fines.

At the beginning of one of Armin van Buuren's state of trance's is a song called Breathe. It's a remix and it is excellent. The lyrics always sound really good but as it is a little fast it proves hard to accurately hear them all. While listening to another radio station on Friday we heard the original, slower version. It's by a singer called Anna Nalick and is a very thoughtful song. I've always found people quoting song lyrics really pretentious but I'm going to have to do the same now by quoting part of the chorus of this song:

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe...just breathe'

Good lyrics and a great song, particularly the remix. I would wax about what they mean but I guess lyrics are open to interpretation so I won't cloud yours with mine.

Fish and chips that night and brother and I grabbed a couple of DVD's. The first was The three burials of Melquido Estrado starring Tommy Lee Jones. He had directed this and apparently it was this gritty sleeper hit. I thought I'd take a chance on it but wished I hadn't. It was tedious, slow and boring. Granted it was very good at painting the grim, depressing nature of a Texas border town but it didn't go anywhere. I think we lost it when after his mate has died, he digs back up the corpse to take him away and bury him in Mexico, quickly sets him on fire to remove ants, fills him up with antifreeze to prevent quick rot and then attempts to comb his hair and it falls out. Man it was like a straight version of Weekend at Bernie's and nearly sent me to sleep. In the end I had to fast forward it which I hate having to do.

We followed this with Hostel which certainly woke us back up. This was a lot better than I had expected. The advertising had effectively made it out to be 1 1/2 hours of people being tortured, which it wasn't. It had a story and you did engage with the characters. Some of the deaths etc were horrifying and gruesome and it contained genuine tension. It also posed some interesting questions in the horror of seeing people paying to inflict pain on innocents but how then the audience are screaming for the painful death of the afore-mentioned torturers. A good film but one that certainly won't do anything to encourage travel to eastern European countries.

Decided to forgo the gym again on Saturday. Maybe I was being lazy but I made a good case to myself that to really feel the benefit of the big push after my birthday this was a worthwhile sacrifice. Headed up to the shops and decided to do it listening to my nano, which I wouldn't normally do. It felt funny, making me feel even more enclosed in my own little bubble. Without the distraction of other sounds it felt like your eyes managed to take in even more people watching and the sense of detachment was palpable. I was going out that evening for another friends birthday but was flying without my brother or normal wingman. I confess to being a little wary of it as I had a moment of doubt when I thought I could not be as entertaining without them by my side. I needn't have worried, a bath, a poor man's fondue and I was out of the door. There was only 8 of us out, with two more joining later and I got in some black aftershocks to get the night moving along.

We moved on to our normal place which has a dance floor downstairs and headed down. I wasn't drinking but the music was good and I started to feel the need to 'shake it on down'. Granted the feeling of dancing in treacle for those first few songs is even worse when you are sober but I love that cheesy 70's/80's stuff and the quicker I get going, the quicker I can get others going. I'm all to aware of my faults but I do think that one of my strengths is getting the party going. I might come across as an annoying, attention seeking tart but if people are laughing it's a start, this leads to gentle goading and then eventual dancing. It was nice to be out with a bunch of friends who I haven't been out with for some time and we seemed to slot very quickly back into our old routine and banter. Danced and laughed until 1.00 when the place kicked out and then I ran everyone home in two journeys. Needless to say there was no female interaction. I was conscious of getting observed by a couple of girls but there wasn't anyone that made me want to make the leap, especially when I was out with my rarely seen chums. Got in and feeling hungry as well as non tired, due no doubt to my long lie in and numerous cans of Red Bull decided to fire up the chip pan. If there is nothing wrong with a double cheeseburger and tea at 3.00 am then what could be wrong with egg and chips and a glass of milk at 2.00am? The extra ballast in the stomach helped me sleep and at the moment that ain't no bad thing.

Watched Hitch again on Sunday. Still a funny film, certainly at the beginning when Albert is trying to woo Allegra but it does remind me of ones inability to find someone really worth getting excited about. It also doesn't help as it tries to push through the myth that nice guys really can get the special ones. I was discussing recently with a friend that maybe my inability to get anyone is a stick that I deliberately like to beat myself with and/or that I deliberately have this notion of a fairytale romance because deep down I'm too scared to actually want a proper relationship. Whatever the notion it was good to see the dancing in the film, particularly at the end credits when Albert does the slide through Will's legs. Killer move.

Motogp was in Malaysia and Rossi won again. Granted his skills on taking Capirosi on the last lap are impressive but it the certainty that he will always beat someone if level with them on the last lap that does become plain boring. You can see the mind games he plays with people yet come every last lap and they always seem to leave huge gaps for him to fill with some skilful passing move.

Saw Way of the Gun again later that night. What a cool film this is. I don't have a film that I like Benecio del Toro in more and the partnership between him and Ryan Phillipe is so well played with a genuine 'less is infinitely more' approach. It's clever, intelligent, credits the audience with some common sense and has some of the best gunplay and shoot outs put onto film. This is due in no small part down to the directors brother being an ex Navy SEAL who trained the actors in the art of gun handling. The director actually wrote the Usual Suspects and it's a real shame that he hasn't done any other films since.